In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face into the pain. You simply have to hurt. – Brene Brown
Thirty Days of Forgiveness, as explained by my post on Oct. 27th, is no longer a practice in identifying people to forgive (including myself). It is now a practice in asking and answering these questions:
- What must die in order for me to forgive Them + Me? Expectations? Victimhood? Dreams/demands? Blame? The way it is supposed to be? The need to be right? Awesome stories of how I was wronged? Awesome stories of how I screwed up?
- If to forgive is to love, am I ready to love Them + Me? I mean really, there are some people we have no interest in loving—ever! Am I right? You know I’m right. I know I’m right.
- What pain must I face in order for me to forgive Them + Me? I’m sure the first question will fill in that blank easily enough.
- Am I willing to write publicly about it?
What must die?
The notion that my parents owed me a different life than the one they gave me.
Can I love the life they gave me?
Yes. Rationally it makes no sense to go on hating it. I can’t change any of it by hating it and blaming someone doesn’t sweeten it any amount. Plus, if I am really being honest I cannot prove that I could have done any better for my children, especially in light of the fact that I never made any children. My parents may have screwed some stuff up but they tried. I didn’t even try. I can love them for trying. I can love the ways they tried.
What pain must I face?
The reality that no one is ever going to do anything about the bad things that happened to me. It’s been 43 years. No one is ever coming to make it all right.
Can I own this publicly?