I’ve decided to forego the introduction to Thirty Days of Forgiveness and cut to the chase for the rest of the practice. If you just got here you can check out the explanation on my Oct. 27th post.
What must die?
Validation. I’ve just got to accept that sometimes I’m the only one who knows I was right. I may very well be the only person who ever believes it. And for that matter, the only one who even cares.
If to forgive is to love, am I ready to love?
I’m willing to try but I confess that this one is probably in the blood. It goes way, way back to my basic fundamental need–the one that has been the underlying struggle in nearly every significant personal conflict I’ve ever had since birth. I wanted to be taken seriously. I wanted to pass the test that separates those who are dismissed and those who are worth regard. I wanted to be legitimate. I wanted to matter. I didn’t want to be set aside by all the identifiers I thought would threaten or cancel out my legitimacy.
Specifically, I didn’t want anyone to think/know I was poor white trash. I guess I’m going to have to start with forgiveness for being poor white trash before I can forgive hiding it. Then I can forgive all the struggle to prove that I wasn’t, which includes that all-important clutching and clawing for validation.
What pain must I face?
Needy and desperate was a shitty substitute for appearing to be poor white trash. Honestly, the truth probably would have been easier for people to overlook than the overcompensation I piled on like teenage makeup. I worked so hard for so long to convince people I wasn’t this one thing, but I likely convinced them that I was something else–and that something else was no better than what I tried to hide. So I wasted all that energy. All those fights, those tears, those completely unnecessary performances; wasted. Because in the end, no one thought any better of me anyway.
Can I own this publicly?
Yes. But I’ve just gotta admit it, Assassans. I’m halfway through this 30 days now, and this shit is NOT FUN. This is the hardest 30 days I’ve ever done for a November. And it’s like I don’t just get to practice the one item of forgiveness per day. As I go along I realize I’ve got to practice all of them every day now, which is more work than I agreed to do. And the fact that it is a practice means I work on this with varying degrees of success, especially the every day aspect. (Sigh.) So next year if I chose Thirty Day of Frivolousness, you’ll understand, right?