After my work release yesterday a reader asked if health insurance covers an exercise physiologist. Well, yes and no. Mine did in the beginning (a year ago) for a physiologist who specializes in cardiac care and for a specific number of weeks. The general idea seems to be that you’re supposed to glean all the knowledge you can from the physiologist during the prescribed weeks, and then use what you learned to go it alone. Once the prescription period is over, health insurance no longer covers it.

So am I paying out of pocket for her services a year later? Hell no. We settle in trade. We’ve made a no-money-changes-hands arrangement. I trade her free yoga for her free services. I’ve kept this more or less a secret because I’m not interested in teaching private yoga classes. This is a special case. She likes my slow yoga. I like her training. So we trade. Everybody wins. She works me in between her paying clients and we split the time for an hour. She gives me 30 minutes in which we go through the session she has crafted and then I practice it until we meet again. Then we switch roles and I give her 30 minutes in which we go through a yoga sequence I’ve written for her. She takes it home to practice until we meet again.

I met with her this morning. She made do me a bunch of high kicks and jumps like a Rockette, some of those Burpee things (that were called squat thrusts back in the day), a variety of push-ups, planks, and dips, that twisty ab business, and then some good old-fashioned running drills. We monitor my vitals while I do this and tweak the intensity when necessary. We also do this in a freezing cold environment. In exchange, I made her do this:

Warm up plus Salutations

Tadasana – Mountain pose

Uttanasana – Standing Forward Fold

Sanchalasana Left – Low Lunge

Parvritta Sanchalasana Left – Low Lunge with twist

Anjaneyasana Left – High Lunge

Adho Mukha Savasana – Downward Facing Dog

Repeat on right side

Phalakasana – Plank pose

Bhujangasana – Cobra pose

Salabhasana – Locust pose

Urdhva Mukha Savasana – Upward Facing Dog

Balasana – Child’s pose

Vasisthasana – Side Plank

Return to Balasana, repeat on other side

Durga Go – Cat & Cow

Adho Mukha Savasana – Downward Facing Dog

Uttanasana – Standing Forward Fold

Urdhva Hastasana – Upward Salute

Vrksasana – Tree pose

Utkatasana – Chair pose

Garudasana – Eagle pose

Uttanasana – Standing Forward Fold

Sucirandhrasana – Thread the Needle

Ardha Pincha Mayurasana – Dolphin pose

Cool down plus Savasana

We run through the sequence considerably faster than slow yoga pace so I can show her the transitions and then she takes the sequence home and slows it down to no faster than 10 breaths per pose. We don’t monitor her vitals and she can do this in any reasonable temperature.

If you decide you want to try the sequence I designed for her and only for her, I’m supposed to tell you not to do it. Do not do this. It’s not safe. You’ll get hurt and possibly die. Your family will suffer considerably. You’ll lose everything. Everyone will want to sue me. So just don’t risk it. I’ll have to fink, squeal, and snitch that I warned you not to do it and you’ll just waste everyone’s time and money in addition to getting broken, scabby, stupid, and poor. Or you can consult your doctor, financial adviser, spiritual guide, and an attorney before attempting this or any other exercise program, class, ritual, fantasy, or regimen.

The stories I could tell you…like the one in which I read the safety warning on an iron that admonished users NOT TO IRON CLOTHES WHILE WEARING THEM. DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. I wondered at the time who would do such a thing. The public at large needs to be warned not to do this? Yep, they do.

At the law firm (of all places) there was a paralegal who got herself dressed in a lovely flouncy flowy blouse with one of those fluffy ruffly collars. One ruffle wouldn’t cooperate and needed to be ironed. She was late. She needed to get out the door in five minutes so she opted to lean over the ironing board so that the wrinkled ruffle could be touched up lickety-split without her taking off the entire blouse. But of course she couldn’t watch the iron and lean over the board at the same time so yes, she burned the shit out of her neck, chest and upper boob area. Despite the warning not to iron clothes while on her body.

So don’t ever do yoga, folks. Ever. Never again. If I have ever recommended yoga to you before, disregard. Strike it from the record. Redact. Retract. Run in the opposite direction. Better yet, walk and hang on to the handrail as you go. If I ever taught you any yoga, purge it from your memory and replace it with calculus or scripture. Yoga will kill you. Dead. It will maim, cripple, and lame you. You’ll go bald, impotent and/or sterile, gain weight, break out in sores, have nightmares, and lose control of bladder and bowels. Yoga is not for human consumption. Stay away. Far away. Use your yoga pants for something else—anything else—but not yoga and certainly not my yoga or any yoga I’ve ever endorsed, recommended, or suggested.

In fact, let’s go ahead and extend that to any, every, and all wellness practices I’ve shared anywhere on this blog, past, present, and hypothetical. Ignore it all. You shouldn’t even be reading this.

— Mercy