I had no plans to post today.
So far I haven’t done anything I planned to do today. Because I can’t move until I get this out.
I woke up this morning and discovered I crossed some kind of line in last 24 hours and there’s no going back. Today is only Day 10 but I feel strongly that I’m still going to be vegan on Day 31. The experiment just kicked in on an emotional level. In fact, it doesn’t feel like an experiment anymore. It feels like a reckoning. I’ve cried the big ugly cry. There’s nothing left but the big ugly apology.
I am acutely aware that although it made sense to me for 45 years, felt normal and natural, and bears the seal of approval from conventional society, my previous lifestyle caused trauma. I facilitated and inflicted trauma upon myself, others, the planet, and Nature at large and I was taught it isn’t/wasn’t wrong. It is wrong. I don’t want to do it anymore. Now that I’ve opened my eyes and ears to facts no one wants to hear or know, I can’t unknow them. I’m responsible now. I’m liable now.
I live within a culture which says it’s okay to perpetuate trauma upon people, animals, and the planet with sustains us. It’s okay to deny it. It’s okay to keep people ignorant of it. It’s okay to mislead generations until no one can remember a time when it wasn’t okay or care that it ever wasn’t okay. It’s okay to deliberately make people sick and stupid and then tell them the best way to handle it is to accommodate and embrace it. This is no longer okay with me. Something broke in my heart. Maybe something broke open. I won’t go along with it anymore.
I am sorry. I am sorry it took me so long to get here but I get it now. I am profoundly sorry. I am also profoundly compelled.
I know too much to go back now. I’ve stopped looking away. I can’t pretend I haven’t learned truths which permanently alter my moral compass. As I said yesterday, this is not just about the food. I know my choices cause human suffering and the death of the natural world which humans inhabit. Now that I’m no longer blind to this I am ethically bound to change accordingly.
I say it over and over again for the benefit of myself and anyone who reads: wellness is a practice. It is a life — a way of living out a life which expresses gratitude for the sacred opportunity to live it. If I mean to embody wellness fully, meaningfully, and gratefully, I no longer feel free to shit on that opportunity.