Fortified With Choices

My frags of the day practice veered off course, of course. I still observed them but I didn’t get back here each day to write about them for the past three days. Someone in my family died unexpectedly. It’s one of those awful unknowns. The body was found after the departed didn’t show for an appointment. An autopsy is happening but as of today we still don’t have a cause of death. No illnesses were obvious, no clues found, so the family waits and speculates. And fights.

I will not fight.

While I have been waiting and listening and not fighting, these were my frags:

Enriched is a nice word. I suppose grief is like a mineral.

Winter ends too soon in Mercyburg. The blossoming has definitely begun. We have daffodils and forsythia and quince already, The buds of everything else are swelling and cracking. The blooms are welcome but bittersweet. I don’t want summer to come yet. It’s still February. I want more winter. Spring accelerates us into summer, which always seems endless here. If Spring comes, Summer is chasing. I want to slow the blossoming.

Chosen; me or the frag? Me, I guess, otherwise they would all say chosen. I’m going to gay church today. I chose that. A dear friend of mine is a singer. Today is a special anniversary for the gay church. My friend will be performing. I was invited. I chose to accept. If it wasn’t gay church I would have said No. I didn’t know gay church was a thing. I’ve just got to know what gay church is like

But I don’t want to get shot. We have to make that choice now too in this country. If you choose to go to school, church, a concert, the movies, etc., you might get shot. Or bombed on the subway. That must be considered now when we are making such choices. I am not afraid of church. I am not afraid of gays. I’d rather not get shot though, or witness anyone else’s shooting today.

I am going to keep my promise to my friend but I hope I don’t die today.

I hope I will be able to come back here later and write about gay church in the Bible Belt. I pray the shooters will be merciful.

If the worst happens you’ll know it because everyone will be fighting about it. You will say my name and tell people you knew me, and that all I wanted was for the world to be well. My family won’t yet have finished fighting over my relative’s death before they start fighting over mine. It seems this is also part of our reality now in this country. When someone dies we fight with each other.

Let me ask one thing of you. If I get shot at gay church today it was my own choice to go and face the risk. There’s no need to fight about that. It was my own fault if you must place blame. I chose it. I know no one will protect me. I know there is no way to prevent it. I’m going anyway, hopeful that I will be spared (that ALL will be spared) but acknowledging that I might be chosen.

— Mercy

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